The unfiltered story of my JEE failure and lessons
Took me about two journeys around the sun to get over it. Here’s my story and what I learned from it, unfiltered.
Disclaimer: this is a two-part article. Part two will be posted shortly.
I do not remember the exact date when the results of one of the largest and toughest examinations in the world, JEE (Joint Entrance Examination), were going to be declared. Though I knew what kind of shit I had turned in, my heart was expectant and mind a ruckus. I was nervous at how my parents would react to a burnt pile of 3 lakhs rupees, how they would feel when bombarded with questions from expectant relatives and well-wishers, I am their perfect daughter after all.
“What is the toughest time in life? The period between the test and the result.”
I read this Chanakya (I guess?) quote years before taking my entrance exam, but now, it made sense. My anxiety was through the roof, I could barely sit down. I paced back and forth on my terrace trying to get my mind together and calm myself down, but you can’t be peaceful if your heart and mind are not harmonious with each other.
Even though I think otherwise now, until 11th grade, I was nothing less of an excellent student. Always in the top 1% of the school year, good at extracurriculars to national levels. I had been pleasantly called apart many times for my stage skills, everything a student is expected to be. The desired child, any parent would love to have.
Things changed pretty quickly when, as per the customs of the Indian Education Circus, I was enrolled in regular school and a highly regarded coaching institute in the city responsible for prepping me up for the entrance I’d be appearing for in less than two years. Handling coaching work was straightforward until the school session for class 11th reopened. From then onwards, life was a constant juggle. My day started at 6 A.M and ended at 2 or 3 A.M the next morning. I had school from 7.30 to 2.10 p.m. I got back around 3.00 pm or so to leave for coaching from 3.45 to 8.30. Shuttling between school and coaching within 40 minutes which included changing out of uniform, trying to freshen up, putting food into my system, and leaving for a destination 20 minutes away with the afternoon traffic in the infamous Nagpur heat was a daily affair for 6 days a week.
Trying to do well in both places, getting the homework done in time, all the while sleeping for 3 hours every day, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that I had deteriorated health-wise and mentally. However, my grades hadn’t slipped, and I was doing well at both places. My parent didn’t think I was performing satisfactorily in coaching, but given my work schedule, they didn’t bother me over it, probably thinking I would do well once I got used to it.
But this was not to happen.
By the time December rolled around, I had reached my breaking point. I was doing terrible in chemistry. Almost failed in school and was scoring negative marks in this subject. I was still sleeping 3 hours alternate days with no method to destress. I would lash out whips of anger and irritation on random people, mostly my parents daily now. Before things got any worse, my parents made a bold decision and pulled me out of my regular (CBSE) school of 8 years and put me into a dummy (MSBSHSE) school so that I could have more time to focus on my college entrance exam.
The biggest mistake and regret of my life.
Back then it felt like a wise decision. It felt like the mountain that weighed me down was off my chest and finally, I can study for what I thought mattered the most. On the 11th of December, I saw my proper school, which had blessed me with valuable life lessons, skills, and education for the last time. I was gone forever.
A week into my school-free life, I had accomplished nothing, I promised myself. Realizing this, I started putting in efforts, specifically, inconsistent efforts. I wasn’t doing well on my tests. My parents struggled to know the reason but said nothing, nor pressured me to score well. They let me be. Occasionally praising when I indeed do well. Performing satisfactorily in 11th, I moved on to 12th grade.
I started on a high note and felt things were finally looking up for me when two or three weeks into my senior year I was down with chickenpox for 20–22 days straight. Anyone who has attended even normal school would know even if you can’t attend for two days, you fall behind and struggle to understand upcoming related topics. Imagine what not attending for an almost entire month would do in 12th grade, where every next chapter is related.
The day I went to the doc to get myself checked, I decided I would bounce back within the days I was asked to stay in by completing all my piled-up work. Spoken too soon. I was too frail to move the first 15 days and barely managed anything in the last few days. Not knowing where to start and what to do I went into a slump.
The worst was done. I had fallen back on my studies, though I understood the concepts well, I struggled with homework owing to my slip up before. Not wanting to face my incompetence, I started procrastinating. Time slipped like sand from my hands. Every day I made empty promises to myself: ‘from tomorrow onwards I would start studying and trump everyone. That tomorrow never arrived.
There was so much to be done that I didn’t even know where to begin. Entire books to solve had piled up, half a dozen notebooks to revise. I was a mess. My parents didn’t know what to expect of me. I didn’t know what to expect of me, no idea of where I was going, what was I doing it for and where did I even lie as a person. I felt worthless, a human waste, all because of me, and I knew it.
Long story short, I had boarded my roller coaster ride to destination failure. I hadn’t realized the extent of how messed up I was and when the ride ended I crashed into it, head-on.
